First recorded case in Trinity College’s 170-year history.
By Luis Sanchez, Arts and Culture Staff writer
TORONTO, ON – Sulaiman Khan, 19, is as calm as can be at our Thursday afternoon interview in the Buttery. An engineering student in his second year, Sulaiman has yet to be overwhelmed and stressed out over the amount of schoolwork being assigned to him. Coupled with the fact that University has never been a detriment to his mental health, this has made him quite the anomaly within Trinity College social circles.
“There’s no way that’s true,” said Trinity first-year Patricia Leder. “I’ve literally only had one midterm and my life is falling apart.”
Caleb Siti, a third-year life science student is skeptical about the claims circulating around campus: “That’s one hundred percent cap.” When asked to elaborate, Caleb only mentioned that “ever since I started school not a day goes by where I don’t regret everything.” He refused to share any further comments and ran away crying down St. George Street.
Clearly, there seem to be some strong opinions around this polarizing, mystical figure, and since Trinity Times is always on the lookout for a good story, a scoop like this was impossible to pass up. Luckily enough, the newspaper was granted an exclusive look into the peaceful life of Sulaiman Khan.
“It all started when I was born,” explains Sulaiman. “I came out of the womb and according to my mother, the lights flickered in the hospital. From out of nowhere, angelic voices started to chant and a ghost of an old white man christened me as the chosen one. Something like that, I don’t know. My mom doesn’t really talk about it anymore… Anyway, next question.”
Trinity Times decided to speak to a couple of Sulaiman’s friends and people close to him to get a better profile of who he is. Edgar Blanco, Sulaiman’s first-year roommate, had a lot to say regarding Sulaiman and his study habits. “I never once saw him open a book or study,” recounts Edgar. “I assumed he did his work at Robarts, but now that you mention it, he was always happy and relaxed. Which was very odd. I mean we are UofT students after all. There were also times he would speak Latin without realizing it. Yeah, that’s weird, now that I think about it.” Emmet Yurich, a friendly acquaintance of Sulaiman, reveals “I once saw him smile and laugh during exam season. That’s crazy. That man must have some sort of divine power.”
When asked about his emotional and mental health claims, Sulaiman had a lot to say. “Mentally I feel great. I’m happy. I don’t have any negative thoughts or tendencies. Every time there is a test I simply study and I feel no anxiety about my marks or grades. I don’t worry about my future and all the pressures that academia imposes upon me. Schoolwork is a simple breeze to me and I feel absolutely positive.”
A couple of Rotman Students have already attempted to make a quick buck off of this novelty by offering to partner with Sulaiman to exhibit him in the Trinity Quad like a Ringling brothers attraction. The Weissmans, Gary and Ivan, have an entire business model.
“I would do the classic ‘step right up’ bit that the circus people would do. I’d talk about his feats and all Sulaiman has to do is just stand there. The public could come to try and touch his jacket and be in his presence for some of his abilities to rub off on them like he’s some sort of messiah,” explained Gary. ”We could have a little fedora on the floor and people could tip coins as a way to wish for good luck.” Ivan, being the Rotman student he is, chimed in, “We were also planning on selling NFTs and crypto alongside the popcorn, but ultimately Sulaiman shut us down.”
“The thing about schoolwork is that it’s actually not that hard at all,” says Sulaiman as we take a gander through Philosopher’s Walk. Granted, Sulaiman said a whole bunch of other stuff, but I was distracted by the multiple geese who were following him around the campus, squawking to the tune of the last verse of ‘Silent Night’.
“Yeah, they tend to do that sometimes, but they know it embarrasses me. Animals like to follow me around at times, it’s no biggie”, Sulaiman casually explained. Before I could inquire for some much-needed explanations and context, I felt a warm and gentle breeze and heard the sound of leaves rustling among the grass. Just like that, Sulaiman had vanished. A puzzling end to an interview that yielded more questions than answers.
Follow up: When shown the bust of Strahan inside the Trinity Quad, Sulaiman noted a striking resemblance to the supposed apparition during his birth.
Follow-up 2: Trinity Times would also like to mention that unless you are Sulaiman Khan, if you are ever experiencing mental health problems such as anxiety or need someone to talk to, Mental Health services are available at Trinity Campus at your disposal. School is stressful, you are not alone.
Luis Sanchez is a Staff Writer for the Arts and Culture Section for Trinity Times, and a first-year undergraduate student at Trinity College, studying Political Science, International Relations, and Film Studies if he doesn’t drop out by the time you read this article.